Whoever coined the phrase "no use in beating a dead horse" obviously
never dealt with soccer parents.
I'm tired of saying the same old stuff about parents and their role as
spectators on the soccer field, but since it remains an ever-increasing
problem, I will continue to beat this dead horse until I pass out from
exhaustion. I would rather have to watch cats in the backyard through the
sliding glass door, than to sit next to one of these soccer parents.
In an attempt to humiliate the offending parties, and as well to dazzle
and amuse you the reader, I am going to classify each of these
criminals into the following categories:
The Parent/Coach: The Parent/Coach is not only the coach, but also
the parent of one of the players. This person's child starts
every game, plays every minute, and is "never the cause of any
problems on or off the field." However, most of the other parents
know very well, that if this person wasn't the coach, there would
be no chance on earth that their child would have ever made the
team as anything other than a goalpost.
The Parent/Apparent Coach: The Parent/Apparent Coach is more than
just a parent of a player, but also a coach of some
other team. This means he/she is not only obnoxious, but is also
convinced that he/she knows more than the coach about the
team, soccer, coaching, the rules, the game, and most other
subjects in the dictionary. In reality, the Parent/Apparent Coach
either doesn't know more than the coach, or knows more than the
coach but doesn't have the common decency to keep his/her trap shut.
The Parent/Apparent Non-Coach: The Parent/Apparent Non-Coach is
worse than the Parent/Apparent Coach for one
reason. This person thinks he/she knows more than the coach, but
doesn't, and doesn't realize how often this is evident.
The Ignorant: This person is not a soccer person. He/she does not
know the rules, has never played the game, has no
understanding of the game, and still finds things to shout out
loud. For example, "how come the person in the goalie thing doesn't
match the rest of the players," or "how come everyone can't use
their hands," or "tackle her." This person should be left in the
trunk of the Oldsmobile during the game.
The Rambo: This is a super-violent, completely non-restrained, bozo
(usually male) who craves violence. This person has a
stressful life, probably drinks too much alcohol, beats his wife
and kids. He/she goes to the soccer match to start a fight, or to at
least relieve the weeks pent-up anxiety and stress. The Rambo is
often found yelling things like, "crush him, kick her, punch him,
trip him, tackle him, hurt him, whack her, get her back, etc." This
person also applauds when there are injuries, violent acts,
cautions, ejections, own goals, or when the referee gets hit in the
face by a floating pass. The Rambo is quite possibly the lowest
form of human slime.
The Lobbyist: This parent is an influential person in the
community... lawyer, doctor, accountant, assemblyman, entrepreneur,
etc. that has wealth and power to lure the coach with. This parent
buys a position on the team and suitable playing time for their
child with favors of financial support. "If my son makes this team,
I am planning to buy the team new uniforms, build a clubhouse,
pay for tournaments and set-up a booster club to help pay the
coaches a little more for their efforts."
The Home Team Fanatic: This person means well, but cannot view the
game objectively. The Home Team Fanatic sees every
foul against his/her team as a bad call. Every foul against the
opponent is a good call. Any goal scored by his/her team is a "great"
goal. Any goal scored by the opponent is "lucky." If his/her team
loses, the opponent cheated. If his/her team wins it was because
they outplayed the competition. Anytime the ball is touched by
his/her team, the Home Team Fanatic cheers. Anytime the ball is
touched by the opponent, the Home Team Fanatic boos.
The Siren: This is an easily excitable parent (usually female).
Intense play brings a high-pitched squealing or screeching sound
from the Screamer. This sound is usually accompanied by
uncontrollable bouncing up and down, nervous pacing, hat throwing,
coffee drinking or umbrella tossing. Sometimes the pleasant
experience of the Screamer is enhanced with the use of air horns,
tubas, snare drums, baby rattles, and party horns. Screamers are
often seen wearing scarves, hats, sunglasses, trench coats and
occasionally holding small children that have confused looks on
their faces.
The Expectant Father: This person expects "better" from their child
at a game. Players dread riding home in the same car as
the Expectant Father. This person is type A personality, and always
criticizes the play of his child. "Why did you miss that shot?
Didn't you see the goalkeeper fall down? How come you look so slow
out there? Don't you remember what I told you about
being aggressive? You need to go to the ball faster. Why don't you
dribble more? You look like you don't want to play. Your
teammates pass better than you." etc, etc, etc.
The Zen Master: This parent is quiet. Head hung down, staring at
his/her feet, and pacing slowly down the sideline. This parent
stays alone in a corner and smiles when passed by. After the game
is over, the player usually has to go tell the Zen Master parent
that the game has ended and their team has won again. The Zen
Master usually says... "Good. Are you ready to go now?"
Well, that's it in a nutshell. The only thing I can add is, don't be
like these people. Be attentive, supportive, reserved, positive and have
a sense of humor when it comes to youth soccer. Sit back, enjoy, and
don't be part of the problem.
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